Who has room for a friend Who has money to spend, And a goblet of gold For your fingers to hold, At the wave of whose hand Leap the salmon to land, Drop the birds of the air, Fall the stag and the hare. Who has room for a friend Who has money to lend? We have room for a friend!

Who has room for a friend Who has nothing to lend, When the goblet of gold Is as far from his hold As the fleet-footed hare, Or the birds of the air. Who has room for a friend Who has nothing to spend? We know not such a friend.

-Dora Sigerson Shorter

If you’ve ever read one of my entries in the past, you probably know by now that I’ve had my fair share of struggles when it comes to my romantic life. I’ve had the questionable pleasure of being through more toxic relationships than I can count on one hand. Unfortunately, back then, I didn’t understand how to move on from it, how to not take it personally. This feeling has only caused me to live in a never-ending circle - going from one toxic relationship to the next, without learning or evolving from them. Going through that, I never want anyone else to feel this way. So, I collected a few mantras that I think are important to remember when in a toxic relationship, so that unlike me, you can get out of it.

"I was going from one toxic relationship to the next, without learning or evolving from them."

The first thing that I want you to remember is that you are not the way that they make you feel. You are not what they made you out to be, the things they said about you, or the lies that they made you believe were true to you. You are not the pain that they inflicted in you with their words or the scars that they left behind in you. This person knew exactly what to say and do to you to hurt you, and they aren’t afraid of doing it. It gives them control over you, and they love this feeling. That is why you have to remember that by allowing them to get to you, to bring you down, you are still giving them the power. The only way to take back the power is to remind yourself of who you truly are.

Another important thing to remember is that you are not the one to blame. You are not the reason any of this happened. It isn’t something that you said or did that made this, and the other way around. There was nothing you did that set this relationship to fail - it isn’t on you. Toxic and unhealthy relationships reach their natural conclusion eventually, it’s inevitable. You did whatever you could to make this relationship work, you gave it everything you had. They might tell you that it is on you, that you didn’t try hard enough to make it work. In these times, please look back at your relationship, and remind yourself of all these times you went the extra mile, everything you have done to help it survive, the time you carried this relationship on your own. Remember all that you gave and gave while they kept taking. So no, you are not the one to blame for the crumbling of this relationship.

"...please, love yourself with all the love that you so easily gave to others before."
Remember This At The End of a Toxic Relationship

Please remember that you shouldn’t feel sorry or guilty for staying this long in the relationship. When you look back at your relationship and start to realize that the signs were there all along, you may begin to feel sorry for yourself that you haven’t seen them and that it took you this long to get yourself out of this unhealthy place. However, this is not the way you should be feeling whatsoever. You are brave for staying for so long. You are brave for choosing and trying to see the good in people, to believe in it. You are brave for giving them more and more chances to prove themselves, even after they let you down. You were brave enough to believe that they could do better. So, looking back, don’t feel sorry, but proud that you stayed for so long. You were able to love someone so fiercely and full-heartedly.

The last thing I want you to keep in mind is that good love still exists. Even if it’s difficult right now, and trust me I know it is, you have to believe that it will get better than this. Please, don’t give up on finding love, don’t give them that. You have so much more to give, and there are so many others can give to you. You have to believe that there is something better than what you experienced out there for you. There is a good, healthy, beautiful love that will remind you of everything you deserve. A love that will see and accept who you are, that won’t take you for granted. Out there is love that won’t leave you questioning, fearful, and anxious, but love that will hold you. It might be a long journey, but you will get there eventually. Until then, don’t give up, and please, love yourself with all the love that you so easily gave to others before.

Reality Is Relative