Picture the following scenario: someone asks you for something - a boss, a friend, a partner, etc. - and, even though you want to refuse, you just can't? So, you do what they ask, acquiesce to their wishes and demands, only to end up kicking yourself for it later. Sounds familiar? For me, is it, as I often have trouble saying no, and I know I'm not the only one. See, since I was a little girl, I was told to be compliant, to do as I am told, to be liked, accepted, or later on keep my job and position. Before we continue, I would like to clarify - this is not intended for the people who say “no” too often, nor is it for those with healthy boundaries who know when to say no, and when to say yes. Instead, this is intended for people who have trouble saying no to things they know they should refuse.
"Picture the following scenario: someone asks you for something - a boss, a friend, a partner, etc. - and, even though you want to refuse, you just can't?"
As I said, I had, and still have, trouble saying "no" to people. I used to think that that makes me selfish or a bad person. I tried in so many ways to change that - listened to every podcast, went to different seminars, read plenty of books, but none of it seemed to help. It irritated me how in most of these articles or speeches, writers would encourage people to reject others and take care of themself - which sounded horrible to me. I thought - what will happen to all the needy people if everyone would behave this way? We shouldn't be nice and helpful to only a selected group of people, I thought, as some of the most helpless, annoying, or troubled people are the ones that need help the most. So, I couldn't bring myself to adopt this behavior.
However, a few years later, I finally was able to see it all from a different perspective. Sometimes, by saying no, we don't hurt people, but rather, help them. Yes, sometimes, saying no isn't helpful to you alone, but also to others. Take, for example, a parent that says no when his child asks for candy for breakfast - they don't do it because they dislike their child, but because they know what is good and healthy for their child. And that may be the simplest example. So I adopted the following system that helped me saying no - when saying no, we must think about why, when, and how we say no. I realized that these three perimeters, these three questions, were what mattered, not the "no" itself. Now, let's jump right in and get to the first part - the why.