I have opened up about my toxic dating history many times before on this platform, even as soon as last week. In quite a few of these times, I described my pattern of behavior back then as getting in and out of toxic relationships without learning the proper lessons to help prevent this from happening again. It was a vicious circle I wasn’t able to escape. As I was writing my last week’s entry, I described this cycle, and it made me realize that I had never written in detail what that feeling and pattern was like.

via Unsplash

See, I think that when I describe this feeling here that it is pretty understandable. As time went by, I found a new perspective on the whole situation and passed it on to others. However, many people have since asked me about this cycle and my behavior at the time. Many couldn’t understand how I didn’t wake up and saw the pattern that was right under my nose. They couldn’t understand how I didn’t learn anything from one relationship to the other, subjecting myself to much more pain and heartbreak. The truth is that back then, as it was happening in real-time, my friends had some of the same questions.

I shared with my friends a lot of what I was going through at the time, and they constantly tried to help me see the true nature of my relationships. Unfortunately, I didn’t listen to them and stayed in my cycle of toxic relationships. They also expected me to see the truth, and if not, then at least break out of this vicious cycle. They expected me to move on to better and healthier things and relationships in my life, but that wasn’t the case. What they couldn’t see was how insecure I was when I exited these relationships. They couldn’t see how I barely trusted others, how insecure I was. These relationships took a major toll on me and my mental state, and while they tried to help me see things clearly, I wasn’t strong, stable, and willing enough to go through it.