Throughout most of my life, I’ve always felt less than other people. I felt less than my classmates, my friends, my co-workers, my peers. In my head, they had something that I have yet to figure out. They cracked the code, understood the system – they knew what to do, and had an advantage over me. In my often twisted point of view, everyone, no matter who they were, was above me and their feelings had to be met before mine. I arrived somewhere first when suddenly someone else arrived – I would give them a priority. Someone cut me in a line – I kept my silence and allowed them to. I let people take while I only gave. I couldn’t bring myself to speak my mind and stand up for myself and would often beat myself up for it. Quite often, I would find myself criticizing my behavior and asking what could I do to change it and what was the reasoning behind this behavior.
To answer these questions, I needed to do some soul searching. I needed to discover what it was that made me act and think this way. After much time and thought, I thought of several possible answers. First and foremost, I am a pleaser. I want to please others, no matter how it may affect me or what tool it may take of me. Others and their wishes will come before me and my desires. Also, I lack self-confidence. By this view, I would believe that others were always right and that I was the one who was wrong and incapable. I deserved nothing and everyone else deserved the world from me. You may say that I was polite and considerate, but the way I acted was extreme. I didn’t pay attention to myself while paying too much attention to everyone else. So, I decided to work on it – to give myself more credit and know my value and worth. It is a difficult process, and while it is still in progress, I am definitely on the right track. Please, have faith in yourself and when required – put yourself first.