Happily (Un)-Married
July 23, 2019
Jade Kerr

It’s no secret that I have been through a lot of bad relationships. But, I am happy to announce that I am finally in a great, healthy relationship with a man that is finally the right one for me. He is amazing and I feel comfortable to be myself. We talk, laugh, trust, support and understand one another. However, when I stumbled upon a ring in his drawer, I got scared. We have different thoughts on marriage, and I’m afraid it will end our relationship.

See, I was married once before and was even about to get married again before calling off the wedding. My first marriage was a bad experience in my life. We divorced after a few weeks. We weren’t happy, we rushed into it without thinking of the consequences. It was tough going through it. I was embarrassed and ashamed, felt like I failed. It took me a long time to get back on the dating scene and trust others. Then, a few years later, I thought I found him, the one.

However, he wasn’t the one for me. I really wanted to believe it. We were together for six years and I was so excited when he proposed. I felt that this was it. I’m about to start a family with this man and grow old with him. But, a few days before our awaited ceremony, I was shocked to find out he cheated on me with his secretary. It wasn’t the first time it happened. He cheated on me once before and I forgave him. He promised he would never put me through it again, that he will never hurt me again, and I believed him. Like a fool.

Of course, I called off the wedding. But these unfortunate experiences made me lose faith in the institution of marriage. Though I love my current partner and trust him blindly, I fear of that commitment. I fear it will ruin everything good we have, that it will wreck our relationship and us. I love him too much to sacrifice that. I’m also afraid that I will panic, and destroy it myself, because of my past, because of my pain.

My partner, on the other hand, believes in marriage. In addition, he comes from a very traditional family, so it is very important to him and them that we get married. I am scared of my reaction yet I don’t want to give up this amazing relationship. I want to be with him forever, I know we can do it, it’s possible. But my past experiences overshadow all of that.

I don’t know what is going to happen. I hope I will be able to talk to him about all of it, and I hope I will do the best thing for me, and for us.

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