For most of my life, I always searched for other people’s affection and love. As I got older and stepped into the dating scene, and as you can probably assume, it followed me there. The dating scene, especially today, is very difficult, especially for people like myself who tend to over-criticize themselves. At the end of the day, it is a very superficial world – we swipe left or right on people based on their appearance, on the way they look. And, of course, how can we forget ghosting? Even after we match with someone, we can all of a sudden change our minds and start ignoring them. So, how can a person like me survive in a world like this?
It seems as if I can’t exist on either side of the equation. When I face rejection, I turn to self-criticism. I blame myself for not being pretty, interesting, or good enough. I am so quick to point the finger at myself, to add more insult to injury. It’s not enough that others make me feel unworthy and not good enough, but I am so quick to beat myself up as well. And, on the other side, I feel bad ignoring people and disappearing on them. This is yet another opening for me to criticize myself and find faults in myself.
So, can I overcome this? Can I make it through in this world without having my confidence and self-esteem drop drastically? I have to understand that this is the way it works in our world, that like people turn me down, I do the same for others. I have to accept that I am not everyone’s type, that I am not going to be liked by everyone. I somehow have to grow a thicker skin and accept the way things go in this scene. Hopefully, with time, it will happen. Hopefully, with time, I will understand that I don’t need everyone’s love and acceptance, that I need to rely only on myself. If not, I might have to consider the fact that I am just not cut for this.