I Won’t Apologize
August 11, 2020
Jade Kerr

Throughout my life, I always felt the need to apologize. Apologize for my actions, for my reactions, for who I am – when there is no good reason to. In many of my past relationships, which weren’t healthy, as you may know by now, I felt like I couldn’t be my true self, because I wasn’t good enough. I felt like I had to apologize for not making dinner, for not agreeing with my partner, for standing my ground. And although it happens to me a lot in my romantic relationships, it is not limited only to that. Even in my work, I find myself over-apologizing – to my co-workers, clients, and boss, even when they tell me there is no reason for me to apologize. I am criticized for it all the time, even by those closest to me, so I decided that I have to get to the bottom of it. What is it that makes me act this way?

Even after breakups, I found myself being overly apologetic to my exes, even though I owed them nothing. I felt like I had to apologize for still hanging out with our mutual friends, for going back to the places we used to go, for not being good enough for you to stay with me. So, I looked deep inside and searched for the reasoning behind this behavior of mine. It isn’t too hard to see that it largely stems from my insecurities and low self-esteem. I don’t have confidence in myself and my actions, so I always feel as if I have to apologize for everything. I feel that because I put them on a pedal stool, I felt the need to apologize, because who am I compared to them? So, it is to time for me to gain some confidence. I am done apologizing for things I don’t need to.

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