During this year, I lost my grandmother. It was completely out of the blue; no one saw it coming. I remember the complete shook I felt when I heard. I was fortunate enough to have a very close relationship with her, so losing her dragged me to a low feeling I have never felt before.
To this day, I haven’t fully digested what had happened. I try not to think about it at all, push it away; pushing away the pain and sorrow. However, this is reality, and there is no way to avoid it at the end of the day. Losing my grandmother completely changed my outlook on life. It made me fear losing the people that I love.
This event came back to the front stage of my life after an event that happened to me recently. My boyfriend of many years and I took a trip to Vegas. While there, he and I almost got married. I don’t know if I wrote on this matter before, but my boyfriend and I agreed that we wouldn’t get married as we have problems with the concept. Yet, during this trip, it almost happened.
Because of my loss, as I’ve mentioned, I was afraid of losing the people I loved. So, I clung to what I have. Suddenly, the concept of forever charmed and captivated me. Eventually, we didn’t go through with it. However, this showed me that I wasn’t dealing with my pain. There is a sentence Oprah said that stuck with me; she said: “In order to heal, you have to feel”.
By pushing my feelings away, I held myself back from healing. What had happened in Vegas helped e see that I need to address this matter head-on. I have to dig deep into myself and work on this issue. I need to start addressing the elephant in the room. So, wish me luck on my journey to find some answers.