Loosing My Mother
January 31, 2018
Ariella Jacobs

I was a little girl. Eleven years old to be exact. She was sick with cancer for an entire five years before, basically, for most of the time I can remember her.  I never really knew her living a normal life at home. She was always in and out of the hospital, seeing her was always a special treat.

As a kid, maybe I didn’t fully understand the situation for what it was, but I did know that I was not living the same kind of life that all the other kids did, and it was real hard for me. I didn’t know exactly what I was feeling, but I most certainly let all of my feelings out.

I was known as a problem child. I would throw things, scream, break things, hurt people, lock my friends in the closet, and do many, many other violent things that really don’t fall into the typical behavior of a young girl, who’s supposed to be cute, sweet and loving. I didn’t play with barbies, I ripped their heads off.

As my violent behavior continued, I was forced to go to a strict boarding school, where I would be taught some discipline and would not be able to continue my ways.  I started to see my mom even less with so many strict rules about visiting and leaving. Looking back on it, maybe it was better that way, it made it less hard. But at the time, it felt like I was locked up in prison.  

At first, I seriously resisted the rules, but quickly learned that it would do me no good. It was too hard to constantly get punished, and never get what I wanted. I gave in and started to feel part of a community, making friends, connecting with the staff and opening to the school psychologist. My behavior and my mood started to improve.

The day I found out my mom had passed away, I guess it didn’t really come as a shock. Maybe I was already ready for it after so many years, or maybe I was in such a state of shock that I was too paralyzed to feel.  I was sent home and sat in silence with my dad.

Almost twenty years have passed since that fateful day. I will never forget it. Today, I am a successful and happy person. I have a great job, am married, and hope to soon have children. I am grateful for the boarding school, for the strong person they helped me become.  For the lessons, they taught me, and the support and community they gave me.

At a young age I had already learned to be very independent, to cook and clean, and take care of myself, I was never so close with my dad and spent so many years away from him while in boarding school. I really don’t know where I would have been if I wasn’t sent there.

I think about my mom and miss her every day, her soul lives inside me. I wish she could be there to see me and the person I’ve become. I’ve become more health conscious and careful with everything that I do, and I know she’s watching over me, and is proud of everything I’m doing.

Love you forever Mom.

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