Getting married is what we all wait for our entire lives (us girls, at least). We dream about our magical day and envision it as the best day of our lives. We fantasize about how it will go down, what our wedding dress will look like, what our hair and makeup will be like, what music will be played, who we will invite, what will be served, where it will be held, who will be our bridesmaids, who will be our groom (most importantly) and so on..

We see it as the most special event of our lives, inviting all of our closest friends and family to celebrate with us this unique day. Everyone is overjoyed for us to see us sealing the deal, and marrying the love of our lives, that we will raise children with and will grow old with. They are the person that we will love for richer or poorer, for sickness and in health.

For me, this wasn’t exactly the case. I got divorced after just a few weeks of marriage.  It was hard enough to digest the situation, to conceptualize what had happened, and to know if I had done the right thing, but what brought even more stress to everything was having to deal with the reactions of other people.  I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t deal with the questions, with the shock, with the disappointment, with the judgment, the comments. I even felt like I owed them their gifts back.

Now that several years have passed, I have become whole with my decision and know that it was for the best. Especially since I fell in love again. I won’t lie, it is hard for sometimes to trust that everything will be ok, but I am trying my best to put the past behind me, and move on and realize what a great thing I have in front of me. I try not to show him hard it is for me, but he knows.

I am now engaged and am going to get married (once again) in a month. I can’t say that I have that same excitement for the wedding. In some ways, I feel like this time, it’s my real wedding, because I do believe that he is the one, and I am trying to convince myself that it will be even more incredible than the first time around. But on the other hand, I’ve already done it, I’ve already had the stress of planning a wedding, everyone has already come out for me, spent money and seen it on me.  I’m embarrassed…

I am truly excited to spend the rest of my life with my soon-to-be-husband, but I can’t say that I’m excited for the wedding, unfortunately. It’s a completely different experience this time around.