From an early age, I was told not to ask too many questions. I was told that I would appear desperate and pushy. That by doing so, I will drive people away. So, I listened. However, I have come to the conclusion that this isn’t for me. When it comes to other people’s feelings, especially when directed at me, I want to know everything. I deserve answers. Looking back at some of my previous relationships, I was left with many unanswered questions. I lacked closure. In today’s dating scene, closure has become a thing people yearn for. We are all looking for closure, for that final stamp that approves: we can move on. So, I went back to claim the closure I deserved and returned with some conclusions.
One of my conclusions was that whether you get closure or not, the situation doesn’t change. The result stays the same. The way people feel about you will probably also remain the same. The reality is that we aren’t always going to get that closure we crave so deeply. I can give a few examples from my dating record. Once, I dated someone who broke up with me via a text message. When I tried to ask him for reasons, I discovered he had blocked my number. He denied me of my closure. There are, of course, many other excuses I’ve heard over the years. Work, finance, maturity, distance, or other reasons that didn’t seem to matter when they moved on from me to their new partner or back to their ex.
In order to write this piece, I reconnected with some of my exes, asked them some questions about our relationships. In addition, I also asked them about their take on closure. My next conclusion was that the people who have failed to give me closure are those who are still looking for their own closure. The way I see it, in order to fully commit to someone you have to come clean. You have to put your past aside and focus on the present. If you lack closure, you won’t be able to move on. They are confused, lost. They are too looking for answers, for an explanation. They are distracted, chasing someone else, all while leading you on. It’s a vicious circle.
At the end of the day, as much as you may want it, this closure won’t make any difference. The answers they will give you won’t satisfy you. They won’t solve everything. These people who you want so badly to fix everything are also lost. They too are looking for someone who will solve their problems, who will answer their questions. So, while closure feels great, it may not even matter. If I’m being honest for a moment, it doesn’t make moving on any easier either. The answers we so obsessively seek may hurt us more than they can help us. We cling on to closure because it wasn’t our decision. We didn’t have control over the situation and we believe receiving answers from someone else will magically take the pain away.
But it doesn’t, and it won’t. So, besides learning that closure doesn’t mean that we will move on easily, I also learned that closure is not something that we need. We don’t need an apology from someone who hurt us and gave-up on us. We don’t need someone to describe why we aren’t right for them. We don’t have to listen to excuses for why they walked out on us, excuses they don’t even believe. You don’t need closure – you need acceptance. You have to accept yourself unconditionally. To know your worth and not let what others say shake you. You don’t need closure you need to close the doors to some of your previous experiences and open up a window.