Considering I’ve been hurt many times in my romantic past, I am very cautious when it comes to love. In fact, there was a time in my life, not too long ago, that I was scared to love. I was so afraid of getting my heart-broken that I didn’t allow myself to fall in love. I thought I did, but it wasn’t true love. It was clinginess, the need to be a part of something, to rely on someone.
My past made me feel like I am unlovable, unworthy of true love. I wanted to bury my feelings deep, to not let them get in the way, considering how much damage they caused in the past. I wanted to avoid disappointment, humiliation, and hurt, and told myself indifference is better than pain. I didn’t want history to repeat itself. However, that wasn’t a viable solution. I couldn’t keep on hiding and repressing my emotions – it was an unhealthy thing to do. To be completely honest, what I wrote before wasn’t entirely true. I have fallen in love, but as I mentioned, it wasn’t pure love, but more so the need to be attached to someone, to rely on someone.
The baggage and the trust issues that have stayed with me following these relationships are still matters I deal with to this day. Every time I allowed myself to open up, be vulnerable, and love, I would get hurt. I am still learning to accept that this is a risk you must take. To love and be loved full-heartedly, you have to put yourself out there. You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable and accept that heartbreak and hurt are possible outcomes. I loved and I lost, but these experiences made me who I am today. Although they were difficult to overcome, they taught me a lot about myself and helped me grow and mature as a person.