Stumbling Across An Old Memory
July 3, 2019
Jade Kerr

Back in college, I had a six-year-long relationship with this guy. I loved him terribly and thought he was the one. We were even engaged and about to get married, but eventually, I called it off. During our time together I cheated on him. I’m not proud of it, and after making up a lot of excuses, I know there is none. We got through it, but I still couldn’t bear the idea of hurting him again. I know I hurt him even more when I called off our wedding, but from my perspective, I was sparing it from future heartache. Last night, I was reminded of an old memory of us, and it broke me.

I am now in a different relationship which is healthy and good, and makes me happy. However, running into that old memory affected me in ways that I didn’t expect. I found this bracelet that he bought me. It was a very unique and custom made bracelet. It must have fallen from the box it was in. I bent over to pick it up from the floor in our garage and couldn’t get up. I started balling.

This bracelet brought back all the memories and mistakes I made in the relationship. He stuck by me through the hardest of times. When I was going through some health problems he stuck by me and didn’t leave as much as I begged him to. Through my mistakes and my cheating he stayed. He loved me. Don’t get it wrong, I loved him too. I just never knew how to handle the good things in my life. I find a way to make it all fall apart, to sabotage it. My current boyfriend helped get me to a more whole, healthy and mature state. And while this is unfortunate, I guess this speaks on our past relationship, and on my current one. With him, I didn’t reach my full potential, I wasn’t my true self.

I was sure I would be able to handle the memory of our relationship in a more “mature” manner. But seeing that bracelet did something to me that I can’t explain. I expected myself to be calm, and look fondly on our past. But my reaction was human, and true, and sincere. Also, it’s not like I never thought about him before. I find myself thinking about him once in a while, hoping he is doing well and is happy, wondering what he is up to.

I think another factor to my reaction was the abrupt way our relationship ended. I broke up with him just before our wedding. I think deep down I didn’t want to have a discussion. I knew he would have changed my mind, that I would get cold feet. He was entitled to react, to discuss it, to get answers, but I prevented him from all that. I thought only about myself. I have a lot of regrets in regards to that relationship that I try to push away. I try to focus on the present and that bracelet reminded me of the past.

But, at the end of the day, I shouldn’t be afraid of my past; I should embrace it. After all, my past made me who I am today.

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