When I ask my friends what was their first impression of me, most of them say I scared them away, that I was intimidating. Most of my ex-boyfriends told me the same thing. They told me I looked stiff, harsh, and judgmental. The continued to say that although that was their first impression of me, as they got to know me, they saw another side. As they have gotten to know me, they said they discovered a sweet girl that just wanted to be loved for who she is. At first, I was taken back by what they all said. Why do I come off this way? Do I scare people away? Do people fear to be around me?
I tried to work on myself. Work on my gestures, the vibe I was putting out into the word. I didn’t want to push people away, so I was determined to change the way people saw me. Throughout my life, I had quite a few failed relationships that scared me. I was cheated on multiple times and had many people walk out on me. Unfourtenetly, at the time, instead of understanding that these people weren’t right for me, I placed the blame on myself. It was the easiest thing to do. After all, I am the one to give out bad vibes and who scared people away.
However, now that I have finally found a healthy relationship, I see how wrong I was. I understood that the impression I was giving was a sort of defense mechanism. After so many people walked out on me and left me hurt and confused, I put up my guards. I pushed people away because I was scared of getting hurt again. I didn’t want to let someone in and have them walk out on me. I put on layers to defend myself from hurt, and to this day, I am working on letting them go and trust.