Throughout most of my teenage years, I couldn’t bring myself to trust others. I feared it; feared that they would use any confidential information I may share with them against me eventually. I was scared of being vulnerable with others and letting them have some sort of an “advantage” over me. So, I held myself back. I didn’t share any private information with anyone. The people I liked or hated, the things that irritated me, my problems – I kept them all to myself.
Looking back, I understand that this is what kept me from having very close and meaningful friendships, something I desperately wished for at the time. While other people I knew had their beat friend, their ride or die, their “person,” I didn’t. Yes, I had great friends, but within our group, some people had stronger connections, while I seemed to have it with no one. I knew I had to trust my friends more, to let them in. Unfourtenetly, I didn’t know how to do that. However, during my senior year, something changed.
That year, I deepened my connection with a couple of my friends. The three of us were in a few classes together, so I got to hang out with them more than I did in the past. Over time, as they started to open up to me, I was determined to do the same. As I feared opening up to anyone, it took some time, but one day, it happened. I can remember this day clearly to this day. We sat together at launch when the discussion centered around one of our classmates. She and I had a long history together, as we had a pretty massive fight after she hurt me deeply in the past. Never before have I told anyone about my dislike of her, when suddenly, I told them.