Recently, I get the feeling that I am the last to know everything. Whether in my group of friends or with my family, I can’t help but wonder why am I the one to know things last. I feel I am viewed as the default option; like they turn to me just because I am there and not because they want me to know.

Maybe I have no one to blame but myself; I am an introvert, and as a result, have a few good friends. But even with my very close friends, I hold back; I don’t let people in very easily. So, while I have some close friends and meaningful relationships, they aren’t centered around sharing and exchanging information.

Don’t get me wrong; I do want to have that friend that you can’t stop texting with and share all your secrets with. However, I have a hard time getting there. It is hard for me to start a conversation, to carry on a conversation, to text someone I missed after a long time. While I know it’s a twisted outlook, I believe that if someone doesn’t text me for a while, it means they don’t wish to talk to me (a theory which was proven wrong multiple times.)

What led me into writing this was that recently I discovered one of my best friends had ended things with her long-time boyfriend. While I didn’t expect to be the first to learn the news, I didn’t expect to be the last one either. I was hurt and began thinking about the reasons resulting in me knowing every piece of information last.

At the end of the day, when really thinking about it, it is not knowing things last that saddens me. What I actually care about and desire is a true friend; a friend that I share everything with and they do the same; a friend that knows everything about me first.

Well, maybe it’s not too late for that. Wish me luck on my journey.