To The Girl Who Has Been Called “Too Much”
February 2, 2020
Jade Kerr

Unfortunately, I don’t have the best dating record to my name. It can all be traced back to high-school when I experienced my first heartbreak. We dated for about three years before he broke up with me straight out of high-school. His reasoning for the break-up has stuck with me ever since, causing me to self criticize myself every day. He told me I was “too safe,” meaning that if I had put some more effort in my style, or had been more socially popular, things would have turned out differently. As I said, it made me criticize myself; overdoing and overcorrecting every little piece of criticism I received. It wasn’t the only time it happened to me and each time made me feel like I needed to conform to a certain box in order to be truly loved.

It happened again a few years ago. I dated a cute guy I met through mutual friends. Usually, I would have avoided dating someone from my close circle. However, I made an exception this one time. We dated for several months before he started ghosting me, ignoring my calls and texts. Considering the fact that we have a lot of shared friends, we met again not long after. Seeing him, I confronted him and asked him what had happened. In response, he told me I was “too much of a commitment,” as I was very clear of what I want and looking for in life. Apparently, that was too much for this guy, who ran away from the relationship.

It took me some time to gain a new perspective on all these unfortunate events. Now that I am in a healthy and mature relationship, I often take the time to look back at my previous relationships in hopes that I’ll see things in a new light. What I had noticed is a pattern. With each criticism, with each “too much,” I was stuck in a loop, trying to prove to them and myself that this is not true about me. Too smart, too high maintenance, too dominant, too present, and so on, all of which I received from men at a certain point. It made me wonder, how can anyone be “too much” of these wonderful qualities?

It made me realize that I needed to take control of my life, of my narrative. I need to pick up my life and make decisions that are solely based on my wishes, desires, opinions, and thoughts. Instead of focusing on what others had to say about me, I should have focused on what I think of myself; At the end of the day, you know yourself best; you live with yourself twenty-four seven. Instead of looking for validation and trying to please everyone else, know with a full heart who you are – all your qualities, advantages, and flaws. We have to be confident in ourselves and know our worth so that strangers won’t be able to shake it.

Considering I am in the midst of a beautiful relationship and don’t see myself getting back into the market any time soon, the next advice is to all you single people out there. Next time anyone dismisses you by saying you are “too much,” don’t feel the need to change in order to please them. Walk away knowing who you are, knowing that there is nothing wrong with you. Know that you aren’t “too much” of anything. Some day, when that person who is meant for you comes along, you will be just right for them. Don’t forget to love yourself just as you wish someone else would. Remember that you are perfect just the way you are.

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