It’s no secret that I don’t have the best record when it comes to relationships. A few of my past relationships ended in cheating which caused a lot of damage to my self-esteem and my ability to trust others. Seeing what had happened when I let my guard down caused me to remain guarded. It was a vicious cycle as both my trust issues and low self-esteem ensured I would have more unhealthy relationships in the future. While usually the consequences manifested in my choice of partners, there were a few relationships in which I was the one to behave poorly. It is one of those relationships I wish to share with you today.
We dated for several months after meeting at a friend’s party. For most of the months we spent together, everything went smoothly. Unlike the men I dated in the past, he was everything I could have ever hoped for and more; he was charming, loving, funny, handsome, and honest. It was all too good to be true. So, of course, giving my history and how perfect everything seemed, I panicked. There is no way someone this amazing wanted to be with me. I thought there is no way things are going so well. It was then, when my low self-esteem and lack of trust kicked in, that I single-handedly destroyed our relationship.
One day, I had a massive moment of insecurity. We sat down to watch some TV when I noticed he hadn’t put his phone down the entire time and was constantly texting. I was so scared, afraid that I was yet again in an unhealthy relationship. That thought was so unbearable to me that it caused me to do something I regret to this day. In the evening, while he was taking a shower, I grabbed his phone and scrolled through his messages. I wanted to catch him before giving him the chance to humiliate me; before he could hurt me.