We Didn’t Even Date But You Still Broke My Heart
April 23, 2018
Jade Kerr

We texted all day, all night. I took my phone with me to the bathroom, I didn’t want to get in the shower. I missed everything that said was in class. My boss was pissed at me that nothing got done for the whole week.  I nearly had a heart attack when I saw I had low battery. I barely slept, but I wasn’t tired. I was high off of the excitement of him.

We flirted so much and everyone kept asking what our status is.  Even if was through the phone, I felt like we spent so much time together, that you became one of my closest friends, and that I really could trust you and could confide in you.

Even if we never really met in person, even if there wasn’t really any sexual tension between you, you were important to me and I miss you. Yeah, I miss you.

I constantly have to remind myself that we never actually dated (although my friends do too) but somehow, it really feels like we did. I feel like you were my boyfriend and we broke up, I feel like you made a promise to me without you even saying those exact words.

Perhaps i’m really the only to blame. I’m the one that came up with these crazy assumptions that we were actually something. I just assumed that you wanted to be in a serious relationship with me. But how do I even know to be honest that it was only me that you were interested in me? I don’t.

I can’t consider you an ex, since we never dated, but my heart aches by your absence. It really does.  I’ve kept all of our old conversation, I screenshotted them all. I’ve made diary entries about you and how you made me feel, I have all the photos you sent me still saved on my favorites roll. When I type in the Instagram search bar, your name always shows up first.  You’re always, always on my mind.

I know it’s ridiculous, I need to get over you and clear my thoughts of you, but for so long, the only thing I’ve cared about, is you.  Without you around, I feel lost, and that a piece of me is missing. I can’t make a real smile or laugh.

It hurts me to know that you never cared about me in the same way that I did for you. That you chose a different path than being with me. You probably don’t even feel any guilt about it, since you know, we didn’t actually date.

But for me? I lost the future I had dreamed of with you.

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